COAGULUS SPEAKS - USING HIS FINGERS!!!

SITE NEWS
My broadband has been off since the end of July, that's why I've not been on here. I'm back and unemployed which means I now have loads of time to update this site.

My Blog
I still blogged while I was offline. So here it is, I've not edited it in any way apart from putting the dates in bold. I'll just upload it and you can see how I've been. Some of it is not easy reading I should warn you!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

04 September 2006
Well, it's been a while since I wrote a Coagulus Speaks. As you are aware (if you ever do read this, I'll put it up if/when I go back online) I had serious money problems and a great deal of stress. Many many (and I mean many!) thanks to Lauren who loaned me a few hundred quid which I am in the process of paying her back. That got me out of the you-know-what for a bit. It's now that time again. No bills are red yet though so I think I'm gonna be ok.

I had to cancel the broadband for a couple of reasons though. Firstly, I wanted to upgrade to BT's newer, faster much cheaper broadband but the website was trying to con me into either buying my own modem (it says "free" modem on the site) or paying £30 to get their modem and internet phone. Secondly, there was a thunderstorm about three weeks ago which took out my broadband. After numerous calls to Asian people who were obviously reading from a set checklist ("can you check if the cable is plugged in", "it is", "can you check it again" for god's sake!). Thirdly, it had to be cancelled as I couldn't afford the £28 a month for a measly 2MB broadband service.

So, the site is on hold at the moment. I thought I'd better carry on writing the site on my hard drive though as I will get broadband back again one day I'm sure. I feel bad as the Sheriff had sent me a couple of reviews for posting on the site and they haven't mad it yet!

A strange wave of loneliness has passed over me since the broadband has been down, I know people are on the other end of a telephone but very few of my friends actually phone me, most text or email. Until last Friday I had no credit on my phone for texting which meant that I had much less contact with people than I am used to these days. I has made me feel more alone than for a long long time. Not dangerously lonely but pretty unpleasant nonetheless.

I've been out quite a bit over the last two months, but I've had to knock that on the head for financial reasons too. I need to get on top of my finances so that I can get a better (read "proper") job and get myself out of this rut I've placed myself in.

I think I've finally spotted one of the things I do when with a girl too. I don't know if this'll help me in the future but it's made me feel better that I know what I do, or rather don't. I went to a pub over the weekend and met up with a girl. Now, looking back on it I got the impression that for at least part of the evening I was probably "in" with her. She even stayed in the pub while her friends went away for an hour or so to chat and drink with me instead. However by the end of the evening I was sure that she was not (or no longer) interested. The reason? It's because I did nothing. I have no smooth talk, no moves, I'm just me and it's not enough!

It's sort of weird but I know I would have been depressed if I hadn't worked out what had happened. What I do is "befriend" girls instead of "chat up" girls. And I'm actually pretty good at the former and nonexistant in the latter! After all, I have to like a girl to fancy them, not necessarily fancy them to like them though. One thing I'm definitely not is "a player"!

05 September 2006
Back pain all day in work, nooooooo! Got a Demon Orgy gig on Wednesday so I don't want to be stood up there in pain. Taken today and tomorrow off to recover. It is easing so I'm pretty sure it'll be gone by Wednesday night. If not I'll cure it with beer!

Spent all of yesterday evening in the pub with Clare, a friend from work. We drank beer and played a little pool.

Today I'm not actually feeling too bad so far, the money problems are still playing on my mind but I can take it. Still had no red bills so I think I'll phone today to check when I have to pay the phone bill by as that's the biggy.

Had a quiet day off, had some food and played a few games. It's just great not to be in work in that hellhole! Dan H came down in the evening and we played the Dreamcast classic Rez to death, it's a great game but well messed up. Then we had a blast on Power Stone which was fun.

Overall not a bad day, tomorrow is the gig and my back is feeling much better now. I should be at full strength for tomorrow. Unfortunately I've only got about £10 so I'll need to make a trip to town in the morning to get my emergency fiver out of the bank. Nothing worse than getting up on stage totally sober! Not feeling nervous at all despite it being only the second gig this year and the other one was a bit dodgy!

06 September 2006
Well, it's a Demon orgy gig day! finally! We're opening the evening for Prince of Fochriw and the headliners Fatal Taunt. I'm waiting to get picked up by Phil as we have to get there early for the sound check. I got my emergency fiver so I have £15 for the evening. I'm not exactly planning on getting ratted before the performance anyhow so that should be more than enough. Got plenty of tobacco too so I should be fine until Friday.

My sister can't make it tonight though which is a shame as she's never seen us live. Although musically it's not exactly her cup of tea either she still says she wants to see us. I'm pretty sure Lauren is going though which is cool! Not sure who else is though.

07 September 2006
The gig was ace! A few people from work went along with Lauren, Richard, Vicki, Steph and Donna and there were lots of other people there. A much better audience than many of our gigs! It was blimmin hot up there though, I've never sweated so much at a gig and we only did 5 songs! The sound was great in there too, I could hear what was being played thanks to the monitors on stage! The Riverside Tavern did us proud.

I'm a bit weary today but as predicted my back is better now, my neck is a little stiff thanks to my air-guitar shennanigans on the stage but that's ok I can work like that. Oh yeah, work, grrrrr. Not looking forward to that, really just wish I could forget about the place. Where's that darn lottery win already!

As long as I can get these 8 hours out of the way I'll be ok. Dan H is coming down tonight again I think which means an evening of game playing. That's never bad. So, off to work I go......

11 September 2006
Another weekend over with. I'm bored while waiting to go to work so I thought I'd write on this. On Friday there was a works do which I don't do so I went to the pub with Rachel, Clare and Mel. We had beer in the Greenhouse and then went to the Waterloo in Ty Coch which was having a Karaoke night. It was a good night although I did spend far too much money, read all of it! I'm gonna have to knuckle down over the next few weeks now if I want to keep this place.

On Saturday Lauren and Richard came down with beer and curry, we watched some TV, played some games and it was a good night.

Sunday I had a quiet day, I visited my folks for food and popped in briefly to see my sister.

13 September 2006
Had a bloomin long day in work yesterday. I had to work an 11 hour shift which is a long time to be on your feet. I'll get paid for the extra 3 hours though which will help in my current financial situation. It was a very long day also because I had no money to buy food/coffee in work and no tobacco to feed my smoking habit, I don't like the feeling of not having tobacco so I'm giving up. I still have those nicotine patches which Lauren gave me when she gave up about six months ago, I'll be using them this weekend.

Dan H came down in the evening and we played a few games and I had a drink. I've got band practice tonight so that should take my mind off the cravings for tobacco and food! I've still got coffee but I have run out of milk now. Where's that blinkin lottery win! ;-)

15 September 2006
I'm sat at home on a Friday evening. That's bad. Feeling a bit lonely and depressed. I've paid the gas bill but by next payday my rent is going to be about £200 behind. I've paid Lauren what I owed her back (apart from the TV licence) which will help. I was going to have a couple of drinks in the pub tonight but there is no one out so I just came home. It'll probably be for the best as I need the money anyway but it means it is gonna be a quiet weekend for me.

I've got no credit on my phone again either. With all the bills I've got no chance getting any for a bit. That means I'm almost completely out of touch with everyone now. Aaaaargh. For a loner I don't half crave company! Then again, I wouldn't be me if I did anything normal.

Work was pants too. I stayed for an extra half hour to help out and then there was a sort of prizegiving where everyone on the part I work in was up for a money prize except me. That stinks, made me feel even less of a part of the place than I already do. And I've been there for at least 2 years longer than anyone here too. I really have to get on top of my finances so I can get myself a proper job with at least some sort of recognition.

I bought cigarettes and tobacco today. I'm going to try really hard to give up on Monday but there's no use kidding myself, I will smoke this weekend as I always smoke when I'm bored.

I'm in a bit of a down mood as you can tell, I'm gonna have some food and then have an early night cos I've had enough of today. Roll on whenever the next good thing happens!

26 September 2006
Hmmm, forgot to do this for a bit. Best catch up. I am in the process of giving up smoking and have been wearing the patches. I'm a stubborn person so I reckon now that my mind is made up, I'll be a non-smoker in no time. I have still had the odd ciggy though but I'm sure that the cravings are getting smaller.

The giving up smoking also led me to being in a rotten mood on Friday and I argued with Rachel. We've sorted it out now but that was a side effect I wasn't expecting. I've got to keep track of my moods.

I have been a bit depressed recently but I think that is due to the giving up yet another vice. I only have one left now, alcohol. I don't think I'm gonna become a hardcore alcoholic though.

Last weekend I visited Suzi and Dan. I'd not seen Suzi for ages so we went to the pub and watched a film. It was a good night. I'll have to do that again soon! Especially as it's not long till her birthday.

Saw Dan and Kat last Tuesday which was cool, we had beer and a laugh in the Greenhouse. Hadn't done that with them for a while. Lauren and Richard came down on Sunday and we went to the Greenhouse too! Then we had a curry box. They are off to Benidorm for a bit now so I hope they have a good time!

Dan H said he'd be down tonight but it's 8:30 and there's no sign of him yet. Although he tends to come down at around 9 anyway. I think I'll have a beer.

27 September 2006
Back to work today after a day off yesterday, boo! I have had a couple of small rollies today although I did do very well yesterday. Giving up is more mentally hard than physical and I am struggling on my own. Am feeling like a bit of a failure now. Hope that changes by Friday!

Last night after I just chilled out, had a beer and watched Eddie Izzard. I actually laughed which was good. It's my birthday in two days time, 33 for crying out loud. I don't feel that old although some people in work did think that I was in my forties! Got to relax about things for the sake of my health!

I've got band practice tonight I think, no one is replying to my texts so I'm not totally sure. It's gonna be a tough practice without fags but I think I'll be able to get through things.

30 September 2006
My birthday was yesterday. A bit of a mixed day over all. Work was the worst it has ever been. They closed the bit I was working in and gave us all a four day training course crammed into a few hours. And we take calls on Monday. I've not been "on the phones" for over four and a half years and I'm really not looking forward to it. I really want to walk out but without another job to go to I'm trapped there.

The evening I went to the Greenhouse with Dan and Kat, Dave, Rachel, Jamie, Christine and Dan and Hayley. It was a good night although I was surprised that none of my older mates "could come". Lauren and Richard were on holiday but she still phone to wish me a happy birthday. Suzi and Dan joined Kat and Dan at my place afterwards for a drink. Cheers to all of you!

I was expecting at least someone to ask me out for a drink tonight but noone offered. So I'm in my flat waiting for my pasta to cook. I did go and see Nez and Dan for a bit with my folks but I was a bit fragile so didn't stay too long!

4 October 2006
Mid week, I'm still at "the callcentre" but I'm not enjoying myself. It's not that I can't do it it's that I've done it before. Five and a bit years there and I'm right back where I started with no consideration for my "loyalty" or anything. Grrr.

Due to all the stress and depression I have been smoking again. Feel like a complete failure at the moment. I've just got to grin and bear it though.

Dan H came down on Monday which was cool, we listened to music and played a few games. On Sunday I had a drink with my Sister and my Brother in Law for my birthday so it wasn't a completely useless weekend. Roll on this weekend!

9 October 2006
I'm really not liking my job at the moment. The bit I was working as a verifier on has closed permanently now and I've been on the phones for the past week. I'm 2 till 10 this week which ruins any plans I may have had for the evenings including band practices. This job is starting to cost both my social life and my band now. I really need another job, I have a few friends on the lookout.

Finances are pretty grim too, I'm making "arrangements" left right and centre to keep on top of things but it's a struggle. Because of all the stress, I've been smoking again, but I'm going to try and cut down again this week. I've been a bit depressed because of all of this. It will get better I know, because it can't get much worse!

What did I do over the weekend then.

On Friday I had part two of my birthday celebrations! Out this time were Phil, Gareth, Jeff, Rachel, Suzi, Dan D, Vicki and Snitch. We went to the Greenhouse for a bit and then went to the Hornblower in Newport. After that we went to the Riverside Tavern and then TJ's. It was also the last time I'll see Gareth AKA the Sheriff for a bit as he's off "seeing the world" for a year. Lucky b*****d!!! It was a good night and I was rather "merry". Poor old Rachel had work the next day but partied just as hard. I seem to recall dancing the Jive with her in TJs of all places!

On Saturday I visited Nez, Dan and little Magenta. We had a few drinks, watched TV and listened to music. It was good although the wait for the bus home was a right royal pain. I was still weary from the night before so I just chilled out in the evening and played psx games.

Yesterday I had my usual Sunday dinner with my folks and then I spent the evening with my Sis and Bro in Law. We had drinkies and watched some TV. Was a good night and I did my usual, thinking it was about 11 O'Clock when it was actually more like 1 in the morning. Good thing I didn't need to get up early today!

Got the council coming to "inspect the property" on Thursday so I'm having to do a spot (read, a lot) of tidying up and cleaning round. It needs to be done so I'm not grumpy about it. I'm just down about having to work in the place I do.

That's enough for now, I'd better get back to it!

24 October 2006
Remember how I said that I wasn't liking my job... Well now I don't have one. I have been offered redundancy and I've taken it. I feel free again. It was not looking good for me there so I am now out of there. Hopefully with a fat redundancy payment too but I'll have to wait and see on that one.

26 October 2006
Well, Ive been enjoying my time of freedom from "that place I used to work". Last weekend I visited Suzi and Dan which was cool. We went to a couple of pubs and had a good night. Also on My leaving day I visited the Three Blackbirds with Kirsty, Kamila, Christine, Sarah, Nathan, Dan, and many others. It was a good night and I got rather merry. Will be doing it again tomorrow for Christine's last day provided that place pays me!

My old mate from work Sarah contacted me. Christopher her son is over a year old now! Was good to hear from her. Was able to reply thanks to Lauren kindly getting some credit on loan for my phone. My house phone is on incoming only at the moment.

Dan H (Panthur) gave me his old PC which I have been rebuilding, that's kept me occupied along with playing Hogs of War on PSX with him and Final Fantasy VII which is a good time-waster. May have to start looking for work soon though before I get bored. Want to make sure my flat is tidy first!

Am not feeling too depressed at the moment. Friends such as Dan H, Dan B, Kat, Lauren, Nerys, Suzi, Dan D, Dan O, Christine, Sarah and Rachel (I'm bound to have missed someone!) have kept me in touch with the outside world which has kept my lonliness at bay for now. It is Lauren's engagement party on Saturday which will be good too.

I have to go to the jobcentre tomorrow for the obligatory "signing of forms". I just hope work doesn't shaft me. They have promised me a redundancy payment by cheque which hasn't arrived yet and two weeks pay (one week pay and one of holidays accrued) tomorrow. Fingers crossed. Bye for now.........

27 October 2006
Pay Day! And a surprise as when I went to the cashpoint to draw my money out, I found that my redundancy money had been paid in there as well! Yay! Obviously, the sensible thing is not to splurge out. I have refrained from my usual tactic of spend, spend, spend! At least till I get another job anyhow. I will be going out for a drink tonight to celebrate Christine's "escape" from that place I used to work, and I'm out tomorrow for Lauren's engagement but that's about it for now.

I did as a treat buy some nice food to make up for all the "economy" rubbish I've been eating lately. I've earned it.... literally!

To the pub..........

28 October 2006
I did have rather a lot to drink last night. Was a little sick which I haven't been for ages! Should bolster me up for Lauren's engagement party tonight. It was Christines leaving booze up last night however she got some unfortunate news during the proceedings. She was dumped over the phone so was more than a little emotional. We did our best to make sure her night was a good one though. Present were Me, Rachel, Amy, Richard, Beth, Kirsty and a few others who's name I forget. It was a good night although I did drink rather too much! will try to keep reins on it tonight. Nerys phoned to tell me that she can go tonight which is cool. I haven't been to Cardiff with her in a evening for about 5 or 6 years!

6 November 2006
I've been neglecting my "Coagulus Speaks While Offline" duties so it's time to type some stuff again! First, Lauren's engagement was fab. I did spend far too much but Nez and I had a great night. Hi and thanks to everyone present! Christine has sorted things out with her boyfriend and is happy so that's cool however Em and Chris split up on the same day which is a shame as they were great together. I took Em out for a drink on the Sunday and we also had a game of snooker with my nephew Josh and Brother in Law Kevin.

On Monday I went to Unholy Alliance in Cardiff with Lauren, Richard, Vicki and Snitch. We missed Children of Bodom but caught Lamb of God, In Flames and Slayer. Slayer had the same effect on Snitch and I as they always had, we went mental!! It was a good night. I stayed at Lol and Coops that night and got a lift back the next day. Cheers guys.

Tuesday was Halloween. Rachel wanted to go out so we went to the Greenhouse which was dead as a doornail. So, we met up with Beth and Lisa in a pretty poor Wetherspoons in Newport. I had Nachos which are supposed to be with salsa, Chilli con Carne and Guacamole with pickled Jalepenos and what I got appeared to be Doritos with Doritos Salsa dip poured over them and nothing else. what a con! We went to the Basement then and boozed and danced. Was a good night although I was a bit weary from the night before so had to sit out most of the dancing. I'm so old!!

Thursday I had the unfortunate news that for the time being, Demon Orgy is no more. The reason is that Mike and his wife are expecting their first child very soon so he'll be out of the picture for a while. The technical term for our situation is "on hold till after Christmas". We'll see! I'll have to do some regular Karaoke to make sure my voice stays in trim. Wednesday in the Greenhouse I reckon!

During the day on Friday I went to see Nez, Dan and Magenta. Magenta was fine with me and didn't do her usual 20 minutes of hiding from me and crying. Instead she just grinned and played with me! Friday night I met up with Christine in the Three Blackbirds for drinkies. also present were Dave K, Jason and Katie, Dan M, another Christine, Brianny and Ben amongst others. We played pool and generally had a good laugh. I got a bit drunk and had an argument with Rachel (which is sorted now!) but it was a good night.

Saturday, Dan and Kat paid me a visit. Kat's dad is recovering from a stroke in hospital at the moment and I wish him a speedy recovery. We had beer, played on my new DS (yay!) and watched the great Bill Bailey doing what he does best. Was a good one.

Sunday I was going to take Em to the pub for beer and pool again but she is all bed ridden with a cold at the moment. Get well soon Em!!!! I visited my folks and went to Lianne and Kevin's for beer and to watch tv etc.....

Today, as you can tell cos I've written so much on here, I'm a bit bored!

7 November 2006
Yep, the jobhunting can now commence, the boredom has now hit home. And the money is starting to get low too! I've had my phone bill although I am getting my broadband back on too so this will be back shortly online!

8 November 2006
Haven't done much jobjunting yet, I have to get the flat in order as I have a council inspection tomorrow. Yesterday I visited Nerys and had a few beers with her, was good and relieved the boredom. Can't wait to get the net back!

Got up pretty early today, 7AM although I did go to bed quite early yesterday. I have a bit of tidying and cleaning to do today. Will put some music on and get down to it.

I bought a freeview box to get digital terrestrial transmissions. Being me of course, I didn't buy a normal one but one that you plug into the PC. I thought that it would be simple but as it turns out, I need a better aerial to get the signal. I managed to get one frame of a quiz channel and very broken up digital radio. Blinkin modern transmissions. Will look into aerial prices.

Dan H (Panthur) has been rooting around in his attic and found a few pieces for my computer and video museum. He has an Amiga A500 and A600 and is trying to find a Sega MegaDrive. Cool! My A500, while still working, is full of mould so can be "retired"!

13 November 2006
Quite an eventful and emotional week I've had. On Wednesday I went to Karaoke with a girl I know. We ended up cuddling on my sofa for a bit and I started to get the impression that I had a chance with this girl. On Saturday evening, while at Nerys and Dans place with my sister having a few beers, I got a text from her telling me that she loved me and wanted to see me. I went to her place and we kissed. Again we cuddled up on the sofa and she was telling me that she wanted to be with me forever and that we were going out together and that she "had everything she wanted". I felt brilliant! She was even talking about moving in with me in the future! It's now Monday and that's the last she's spoken of the subject. In fact, she's hardly spoken to me at all since and when she has, they've not even been as friendly as the texts I got from her before all this happened.

She has fairly recently split up with her boyfriend which means she has a lot on her mind at the moment but I can't help feeling I've done something to put her off me. I've never had a real girlfriend so I may well have done something wrong. This is not the first time I've been in this situation, it's happened twice before. In fact the last time was almost identical and with a girl of the same age.

I hope it's just that she needs time to think. She can have all the time she wants. I'm deliberately not saying her name as it's not fair on her. It's the not knowing myself that's hurting me. If it's not meant to be then I'd rather have heard "the speech" that I've heard so often from girls. Then I can try and get on with my life. If it is meant to be then It'll all have been worthwhile.

Lauren and Rachel have given me good advice and I will heed them. Thanks guys for being great friends.

The fact that I'm unemployed and stuck in my flat on my own isn't helping. I'm gonna do my utmost to get a job this week. I need something to take my mind off things. Got to give up smoking again too. I'm smoking more than ever at the moment because of the boredom and it's not good for me I know.

Other things.... Lauren and Richard came down on Friday for a drink. We also went to the Rose and Crown with Em to watch a band. It was a good night. Cheers to all!

And my broadband is back on! Yay! That's helped the boredom and should help the job hunting too!

Saturday I went to Nerys and Dan's with Lianne (my sister). We drank beer, sang songs and had a great laugh. I've not been out with my sister for a drink in ages and not spent an evening at Nerys' place in even longer. Cheers again y'all!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Right, that's that done.... normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.... Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Rob/Coagulus